The Evolution of School Safety

Here is how it went down:

Back in the day we didn’t need school resource officers.  Kids were well behaved before TV and LSD gave them ADHD.  Police officers would come and go as they pleased, often stopping by to encourage kids to behave, get a job at the age of 12, and help the old man with chores around the house.

In an old time accent: "Good job son, ya got a lot to be proud of. We need a few more good men like you out there monitoring the hallways. "

There were dangers though:

Still, the school was a safe place for kids.

But slowly things started to change.  We entered a new millennium.   I won’t get into the details, but let’s just say this country faced new dangers.  We needed a brave and smart (bordering on genius)  man to step up and address these dangers.  And boy oh boy did we find him:

Now that we had a leader, we could get down to business and begin preventing another 9-1.  Or even worse, a 9-1  x 1000.  Yes, that’s 91,000.

But how would we do it?

This text actually appears in the book "Terror at Beslan" on pages 286-287. The Batman effects are not in the book. For serious discussion of this please visit a site that is serious. Remember, this is strictly parody. Super cereal.

Simple answer: We deployed special operations teams in every school, daycare, and strip club (we received credible threats… it was absolutely necessary).   One room schoolhouses could be done with three men, but other schools required more.  Despite how difficult it was to find pre-pubescent looking special operations veterans, we managed to find a few willing to go deep cover as 8th graders. Each school hired former Green Berets, Force Recon Marines or Rangers, and paid them in PB&J sandwiches (we could not get any SEALs, they were too busy making news/movies). The Operators were each equipped with the latest automatic weapons, flamethrowers, and flash bangs (flash bang is also a term for sex lasting less than 30 seconds). They had silenced handguns (not suppressed, I’m talking fucking SILENT) and all of the tactical gear they could possibly need (like Tier 1 funding… glow in the dark binoculars or whatever those things are called).




3 thoughts on “The Evolution of School Safety

  1. Laugh and make fun of JD, but just remeber he already has a built in gas dispersal system, or was that he is a gas dispersal system. Well one is just as good as the other!

    Dr T

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